Today marks one year since Jackie passed away. Not really an anniversary one wants to celebrate. It's a difficult time. A time of tragic memory for many of us.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year already. But then again, it feels like a lifetime. Many times through the summer I thought about this day. Thinking of what I should do to mark the day, what the family and others may want or expect. What Jackie would want. What I may feel or desire on this day. I never resolved my own questions and just put the thoughts away (as best I could). But now the day is here. I couldn't stop it. I woke this morning just before 1:10 (the "official" time of death) but managed to get back to sleep shortly after.
Today also marks a milestone, a success, if you will. I've survived 365 new, confusing, and painful days. 365 days of hell. Mondays, Tuesdays, Saturdays,..., Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, family traditions - all altered from my former reality. All faced new, unknowingly, and fearfully. But faced (without choice) never the less. Faced with the support, the presence, thoughts, prayers, and love of many people to whom I can not adequately express my gratitude.
Every thought still starts with Jackie. Every mood, every motion, every decision still revolves around her. I think about her always. I love her and miss her every moment. At times I still can't believe she's gone. I thank her every day. And I still cry.
I've cried every day. I've had bad days and really awful days. Days that I did not want to go on and days that I hurt so much, the emotions became physical and I thought that I may not go on. But I did. I checked off my "to do" list every day: get up, survive, go to bed.
I've learned. I've learned that time does not heal. Time adapts. Time evolves. Time continues, it can not be stopped. I've experienced that grief is not a period or an event. Like time, it goes on. I've learned to forgive myself. For the past, for the bad choices and wrong decisions I've made this last year, for my failures and for my moments and days of insanity.
For the last 365 days, every day was new and every day brought new feelings, old memories once forgotten, dreams, nightmares, hallucinations, and, worst of all, reality.
But today, grief is no longer new. I've been through the memories, through the thoughts and feelings of despair, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, regret, depression, and more. Today grief is familiar. Borne out of love, grief is now my intimate companion.
Like time, I've adapted and evolved and I continue.
Jackie is a part of me. She still lives in me.
